Tag: Boundaries

Codependence and Interdependence

March 3rd, 2024
Today, I heard someone describe codependence as being when a person’s sense of self comes to depend on the destructive tendencies of the other person. For example, if someone close to me is addicted to something and my sense of self comes becomes only caring for that person–like covering for them with their boss when they miss. The person I was listening to, a podcast with Jack Kornfield (Heart Wisdom podcast), said the word “codependent” comes from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition. Codependence is a trauma response. It is not a choice, but rather a survival skill.

I think there is sometimes confusion about “codependence” and “interdependence.” Codependence means a person loses their identity in another person. Interdependence, though, is an important part of relationships. For example, a couple who leans on each other during a difficult time. A couple who hurts when the other is suffering, out of compassion and empathy, rather than out of a loss of their sense of self.

If a person feels that they have lost their identity in a relationship, counseling can help them find who they are again. Other ways include experimenting with creating mental and emotional space for yourself through journaling, finding a creative outlet such as painting for self expression, or trying new things you may never have tried before–like activities or even different styles of clothing. Making space for yourself.

What are your thoughts? Do you have other definitions of codependence or interdependence? Other ideas about healing?
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Doors

January 25th, 2023
Photo of the Week: Doorknob. Doors. Portals. “When one door closes, another opens.” “Opportunity only knocks (on the door) once.” “Leave your problems at the door.” “Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.”

Doors represent opportunities for change. When you go through a door, you enter a new world–whether your front door, or even a closet door. We close doors–shutting out possibility, for better or worse. We open doors–inviting possibility, for better or worse.

The doorknob in the photo is tempermental. To close it well, the doorknob must be turned and closed gently, then a gentle push on the door will make it latch. One would think that closing the door by pushing or pulling hard on it would make it latch. But, inevitably, the house shifts, and it opens. Being that this is the door to the garage, it opens to an unwanted opportunity at inconvenient times.

Opportunity in life can be like that. It can show up at inconvenient times, when you aren’t ready. And it may be time to gently, yet firmly and assertively, close the door so that YOU decide when to open to the opportunity. Slamming the door will only make it pop open again when you don’t want it to. It is counterintuitive. Aggression tends to have unwanted outcomes. Assertiveness, decisions made with control, tends to make things go better.

What are the doors of your life? Do we recognize that every time we open or close a door we are working with possibility? Closing a closet door after I have chosen a shirt to wear is a decision that I have committed to. Opening the front door to go to work is stepping into the world with all of the unknowns–for better or worse. It is a commitment to facing adventure. Opening a door to allow a visit from a friend is inviting opportunity for growth. Locking the door before going to sleep is to prevent unwanted opportunity.

When I was little, if I was upset, I would run to my bedroom and slam my door. My father would sometimes come and I would be in trouble. Slamming that particular door caused the trim to separate a bit from the wall. Slamming that door, aggressively shutting out my family, damaged the house, my home, my place of belonging. It was too much. However, firmly and assertively closing the door led to privacy and left my home intact. It gave a space for healing from the frustration rather than heaping problems–not only did I have the frustration that led to the slamming, but then I was also in trouble and had to deal with that.

What doors are in your life? How do you handle the opening, closing, locking? What insights can you share?
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Pine Cone

December 12th, 2022
Photo of the Week: Coulter Pine Cone. At first, this pine cone looks fierce! It looks like it has claws out to hurt anyone who comes near! The scales of a pine cone are its boundaries. It is protecting its seeds and can open or close depending on the environment.

Sometimes enforcing our own boundaries can appear like ferocity to those around us. I once heard someone say that they thought boundaries were not needed in romantic relationships. Their view was that boundaries are used only to keep people away. My response was that I see boundaries as a way to ensure that I maintain my authentic self.

When I am maintaining my authentic self, I do not become enmeshed with others, taking on too much of their emotional work, not seeing where they end and I begin. When I am maintaining my authentic self, I am not alone in the world, walling people out because of fear. When I am maintaining my authentic self, I have a clear vision of who to let in and how much, what to share of myself.

This can be very difficult. Sometimes I make mistakes, boundaries too high or too low. I have come to realize, though, I can readjust the boundaries.

For me, an indicator of boundaries that are too high or low is the presence of anxiety. Sometimes it means I am putting in too much work into a relationship, taking on what I think are their expectations rather than my own values and expectations. Other times, I may feel like an outsider, removed from the group, not sharing enough because of fear or insecurity.

When these things happen, I breathe and remember who I am. I try to reconnect with my core, my values, my truest self. Breathing slowly really does help me to do this. It also helps if I can physically remove myself for a moment from the situation. If I cannot, I think of transcendence, that this is one moment in time, that I am loved, or other positive, grounding thoughts. I remember that we are all connected as struggling human beings.

How have you adjusted your pine cone scales? How do you readjust?

P.S. The Coulter pine cone can weigh over ten pounds! It has serious boundaries!
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Coziness

November 29th, 2022
Photo of the Week: Candle. I burn candles even during the day when the sun is shining in my windows. It helps create a cozy atmosphere that I love. I do not wait for “special” times to come. I finally learned through hard lessons, that special times can be much more often if I am mindful.

Years ago, when my boys were young, I would hear their children’s music, and I would get teary. A sadness, or melancholy, would well up inside. It was not about the passing of their childhood. It was not about time moving quickly. It was something else that took me a long time to figure out.

But I did figure it out. It was the longing for a sense of safety and security that that music seemed to evoke. I was a children’s librarian at the time, and the storytimes I would create were warm and full of joy. When I was with those children and my own children, I tried to create a safe, unconditionally loving place for them.

The longing was because I did not feel that in my own adult life. I felt vulnerable as an adult, aware of my weaknesses, fearful of criticism, continually exposed and found lacking. Adulthood felt like continuous responsibility for so much that I felt longing for a place that felt loving and warm to me. I did have friends and family who loved me, but somehow, I could not deeply sense the safety and security I realized I wanted.

Once I figured out what the longing and anxiety was from, I felt empowered to do something about it. It took time and hard internal work. For me, it required a therapist. Gradually, I came to realize that I had a core self that was safe. I realized that I could create my own feeling of warmth and coziness for myself. I surrounded myself with objects like candles, music that felt good, and people who built up my energy rather than draining it. I learned to be present to those things.

There are still times when I feel as though I am in a cold place or with those who would criticize or threaten my sense of self. For those times, I simultaneously remember my core of safety and those who love me. I choose my defenses, my boundaries. It is not perfect. I sometimes still feel very anxious and an unpleasant vulnerability. (Not the vulnerability that leads to connection.) The difference is that now I know I will leave that space and have my own warmth to come back to.

Do you feel safety in your life? What makes you feel secure? How did you find it?
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Forming Connections

November 25th, 2022
Many of us feel alone. We feel as though we are not known and not deeply loved by those around us. As a counselor, I see many people feeling intense anxiety and depression, feeling trapped and unable to make a committed move in any direction. I see people who have experienced trauma at the hands of those who should have loved and who then do not have the support to pick up the pieces. This experience often leads to painful relationships, violence, suicide, and other difficult reactions. I hear this pain in the lyrics of music and I see it played out in stories in books, television, and movies. People are suffering.

How do you form a deep connection? How do you develop trust yet maintain boundaries? How do you stop feeling so alone?

I can only speak from my experience. And I would like to hear your experience.

For me, I have to find the ability to open to trust. This starts by connecting with my belief that we are all in this together, struggling to figure out life. Once I connect with this belief, I have to connect with the belief that I can handle being hurt. This takes a leap. I may not be hurt if I risk allowing someone in, but if I am hurt, I have handled deep pain before. I consider that it is worth it. Because I do, indeed, believe that a true deep connection is worth it.

If I am in a space where I feel that “we” (people in general) are on the same side and that I can handle the potential hurt, then I am ready to be somewhat vulnerable with someone. Not everyone. I pay attention to cues: are they humble? Do we seem to have similar values? Then I proceed with vulnerability.

How do you “be vulnerable?”

I start with being deeply present. Letting myself get caught up in what they are saying, rather than preparing my next statement. This may mean there could be a silence, and that is ok. (It takes practice to become more comfortable with silence.) Then I share my thought or feeling from a true space within. I may disagree with them. I may agree. I may offer an experience of my own. I may ask curious questions. I listen with a stance of curiosity rather than from a stance of judgement or defense, waiting to catch them being wrong or trying to hurt me. I allow–allow–my heart to feel a connection.

I have often been surprised that a conversation may go to a deep place quickly. But a connection from vulnerability is not the same as “defended exposure.” Defended exposure means “I will tell you something from my life that seems vulnerable, but is really from a cognitive, rather than feeling, place.” To connect, allow feelings to come forward. Speak from feeling rather than from logic and intellect only.

All of this is hard and takes time. Also, this is only my experience of one way to form connection. What do you think? How have you made your strongest connections? Also, what stops you from connections sometimes?
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Community

November 15th, 2022
Photo of the Week: How to Build Community. I found this postcard in a little shop in New Mexico. I do not usually buy decorations with words, but this one caught my attention. The ideas for building community are unique. I think, if done with intention, these ideas really could be effective.

We are in the holiday season. This is a time that can be difficult for people–people who have painful memories, lack connection, or feel overwhelmed. This time can feel very pressured with the high expectations that can surround us.

Along with boundaries, which I wrote of in another blog post, a person needs connection. If this time of year is difficult for you, building new connections with others and within yourself can be helpful. For example, as the card suggests, “Open your shades,” literally and figuratively. This is a call to be open to new experience, and to show that openness to others. Draw back your curtains to let in light, and also open your eyes and give even the hint of a smile to others, rather than being lost in thought with downcast eyes. This may sound simple, but can seem scary. Forming connections can make a person feel vulnerable. Remember that you can take your time in building connections.

Another way of building connections at this time is within yourself. For example, slow down. Notice what is around you. Let yourself appreciate that the chair near you has a beautiful color. Or remember that that piece of art was a gift from someone who cares for you. You may not be able to feel appreciation immediately, but taking the time to notice what is around you can bring you closer to experiencing your own connection to joy.

Stepping out and forming community can be hard. Be gentle with yourself and appreciate your efforts. Even a new thought is a step forward, it is movement toward forming the connections we all need.

How have you learned to reach out, or to go within to form a better relationship with yourself?
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Veteran’s Day

November 11th, 2022
Today is Veteran’s Day; Tuesday was Election Day. It is a patriotic week. It is a week to celebrate the varied ways people serve this country. How does patriotic experience intersect with mental health?

Much has been said and written regarding the mental health of veterans returning from combat. Combat takes a heavy toll on veterans as well as their loved ones. If you are a veteran or a loved one who is struggling, you can reach out here (https://www.va.gov/ve/myva411.asp) for help. Please do not hesitate.

Mental health and global citizenship intersect in other ways, too–stressors from reading and watching news, personal experiences of systemic oppression, even the reactions of friends and family members. It seems that even those who “don’t want to get involved” in politics or world events, find themselves affected by both. The political finds its way into the personal.

What are ways of handling such stressors?

–Involvement. Voting, helping with campaigns, even writing essays for publication, can give a sense of empowerment.

–Support. Choosing organizations to donate money to is another way of making your voice heard.

–Art. Creating music, visual art, and performance are powerful ways of expressing ideas. Share your creations with others.

–Nature. If you have ever paid attention to the natural landscape while traveling on a long journey, you may have noticed the changes, perhaps from mountains to desert to plains. Contemplate how the natural surroundings affect people now and historically. This can give a broader view when feeling “stuck” in current events.

–Open your mind. View artistic creations made by people who are culturally different from you. This group (https://theaterofwar.com/), for example, creates performances of ancient texts with people who are struggling due to political, social, or environmental situations.

–Run. Or walk. Many communities have frequent 5k runs/walks that raise money and awareness for different social concerns.

–Listen. When speaking with someone who has a different political or cultural experience, try to listen more than you speak. Listen deeply for the concerns under the words. This can deepen understanding and connection.

–Limit. Set boundaries. Protect your mental and emotional space. Limit the amount of news and difficult conversations you have. Awareness is important. So is keeping yourself emotionally safe. Only when you have energy can you have empathy. When we are too drained, apathy rises.

What other ways have you found to handle the anxieties created by social, cultural, and political stressors?
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What is a Wall?

October 19th, 2022
“Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Even paradise could become a prison if one had enough time to take notice of the walls.”
― Morgan Rhodes, Falling Kingdoms

“Sometimes our walls exist just to see who has the strength to knock
them down.”
― Darnell Lamont Walker, Creep

“Boundaries are not walls; they’re portals and you decide who comes and goes into your sacred territory.”
― Toni Sorenson

Much has been said about walls. Walls are structures to provide designated space. They are to keep out elements, and conserve the way things are. They can be a trap. The wall is different from a door. It does not provide passage, it only blocks.

I have noticed that sometimes I create walls against opportunities. On a gut level, I know I am scared of the possibilities. It is different from when I simply cannot do something or do not want something. For example, at one point I was invited to the party of an acquaintance. I immediately said a mental “no.” I felt a tension in my stomach and a drop in my energy. I felt tired. This was a different feeling from when I sincerely did not want something. This was a feeling of fear. Lots of “what if” scenarios came to mind–what if there is no one to talk to, what if I don’t like the people, what if I am boring to them? This was more “walling-out-an-opportunity” from fear, than “deciding-I-don’t-want-this” from a confident place.

How can you tell the difference between setting a boundary and building a wall? I think the difference is that a wall is fear based and a boundary, while possibly being scary to set, is more energizing. I think, when an opportunity arises, if you feel immediate resistance, it is good to sit with it. Try to tune into what your body feels. Do you feel drained when you think of saying yes or no? Do you feel scared of saying yes or no? Do you feel guilty saying yes or no? Sometimes we say yes when we would prefer a boundary of saying no. That is still a wall of fear. It is fear of not being liked or not being dutiful, for example.

Walls are fear-based. Boundaries are based on a purposeful decision of what is good for you.

What do you think? How do you know when you are building a wall and when you are setting a boundary?
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Safety

September 6th, 2022
Photo of the week: This is my cat’s current safe space. He feels secure and “held” here. It is a small place that I thought would feel cramped. But he goes there often. He seems to like the defined boundaries.

Once, years ago, my husband and I were staying with a friend who decided to invite other friends over. I found myself feeling uncomfortable and was not having a good time. My husband said, “It is okay to do what you need to feel emotionally safe. It is okay to take care of yourself.” So, I found a quiet room and essentially left the party. And it was okay.

I had created a boundary for myself. I took my husband’s words to heart and have shared them with others. We may feel as though we are obligated to be in situations where we are emotionally unsafe. It is important to take the time to explore when we truly have a responsibility to someone, and when we do not. Talking with a trusted person or journaling can help us see the situation more clearly.

So, if you need to hear this, I am telling you now, “It is okay to do what you need to feel emotionally safe. It is okay to take care of yourself.”
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