Photo of the Week: Coulter Pine Cone. At first, this pine cone looks fierce! It looks like it has claws out to hurt anyone who comes near! The scales of a pine cone are its boundaries. It is protecting its seeds and can open or close depending on the environment.

Sometimes enforcing our own boundaries can appear like ferocity to those around us. I once heard someone say that they thought boundaries were not needed in romantic relationships. Their view was that boundaries are used only to keep people away. My response was that I see boundaries as a way to ensure that I maintain my authentic self.

When I am maintaining my authentic self, I do not become enmeshed with others, taking on too much of their emotional work, not seeing where they end and I begin. When I am maintaining my authentic self, I am not alone in the world, walling people out because of fear. When I am maintaining my authentic self, I have a clear vision of who to let in and how much, what to share of myself.

This can be very difficult. Sometimes I make mistakes, boundaries too high or too low. I have come to realize, though, I can readjust the boundaries.

For me, an indicator of boundaries that are too high or low is the presence of anxiety. Sometimes it means I am putting in too much work into a relationship, taking on what I think are their expectations rather than my own values and expectations. Other times, I may feel like an outsider, removed from the group, not sharing enough because of fear or insecurity.

When these things happen, I breathe and remember who I am. I try to reconnect with my core, my values, my truest self. Breathing slowly really does help me to do this. It also helps if I can physically remove myself for a moment from the situation. If I cannot, I think of transcendence, that this is one moment in time, that I am loved, or other positive, grounding thoughts. I remember that we are all connected as struggling human beings.

How have you adjusted your pine cone scales? How do you readjust?

P.S. The Coulter pine cone can weigh over ten pounds! It has serious boundaries!