Are you a couple, adult or teen who is feeling overwhelmed and searching for healing? Therapy can help. I practice Emotionally Focused Therapy and EMDR. Therapy here is secular, but affirming of faith/spiritual practices. All are welcome. Your identity is important.
Photo: A lone kitty, sitting beside a globe, gazes out the window. Is he waiting for someone, or something, to return?
I haven’t written here in over one year. I wasn’t away for any particular reason. But now it feels like time to return. I have changed in this time since moving to North Carolina. I think I would like to explore that in some upcoming posts. I am relearning who I am in this new part of my life. In the past two years, just after moving here, I found out I had cancer. The surgery and radiation are over and I am doing well. Another new thing is menopause. Wow–that is a powerful force! Family relationships have shifted and grown. My career has changed, as I am now at an agency in NC as well as maintaining Growing Connections Counseling on a smaller scale. Lots of changes.
I am happy to be here again and would like to share with you. Maybe something will resonate with you. Maybe you will reach out to me, too.
Photo: Tea bag steeping in hot water. I am very impatient. Especially when it comes to waiting for tea to be ready. I usually distract myself from the wait by doing other things. Regardless of what I do, though, the tea takes as long as it takes.
I have noticed that things go better for me when I slow down. I feel better when I do one thing at a time. I feel chaotic when I multitask.
When I slow down, I make better decisions. Just this morning, my husband was telling me about a recent experience. I asked a question that, after reflecting, I realized was subtly critical. I realized that I had been wanting the feeling of being “right,” even though we weren’t even in a conflict. I noticed this because I slowed down and checked in with how I was feeling. I felt like something was off–I felt a tension and an adrenaline rush feeling. I didn’t like the feeling and wondered where it came from so suddenly. After my realization, I was able to repair what felt like a rift. If I had been able to notice and slow down before speaking, maybe I would not have replied the way I did.
But slowing down before speaking is difficult.
How can I get better at slowing down before speaking?
I think that by noticing–checking in with how I feel–and repairing if something goes wrong, I can train myself to slow down earlier. It will become more natural.
What do you notice when you slow down? What elements make it easier for you to slow down (being on vacation, when it snows, when there is a candle, etc.)?
Graphic of the day: Growing Connections Counseling!
Have you ever made a mission statement, vision statement, philosophy statement, or “Who Am I?” statement, for yourself? It can help you hone in on what you want in your life, both personally and professionally. This is mine for Growing Connections Counseling:
Mission Statement: I provide a safe space, support, and guidance for people to explore their emotions with curiosity in order to increase their flexibility, adaptability, coherence, energy, and stability (FACES–Dr. Dan Siegel). I help clients, who are struggling with recurring issues, to enter their emotional world, step by step, to gain greater understanding of self and to integrate emotions into their lives. Clients are empowered to deeply heal and become who they want to be.
Vision Statement Finding deep healing through emotional exploration and integration.
Philosophy Empowering–client to become who they want to be.
Supporting–healing through guided encounters and connection.
Integrating–emotions into everyday experience.
Exploring–with curiosity and wonder.
Who Am I? I am a mental health therapist and I work with individuals and couples who have trauma or feel overwhelmed. I help clients work on an emotional level instead of only the cognitive level so they can move toward deep healing and who they want to be.
So, who are you? What are you about? What do you want in your life? Please share!
Photo of the day: Resting in each other’s company. This was the beginning of their relationship.
Sometimes people feel disconnected within their relationships. One way to regain connection is to talk about underlying emotions. Sharing the details of events doesn’t necessarily help people to feel close–sharing the emotion of the event does. You may have heard of “I messages.” With effort, I Messages can strengthen relationships of all kinds. An I Message is built like this: I feel ___ when ___. Sometimes this is followed by: I need ___. For example: I feel really sad and confused when you don’t do what you told me you would. I need to be told if plans change. Or for a happy event: I feel deeply loved when you cook after I have had a busy day.
It can be hard to identify emotions and it can feel really vulnerable. That is part of what makes sharing build connection. To identify emotion, it can help to notice your body, like tightness in your chest or “butterflies” in your stomach. Or notice any automatic thoughts. Are they positive? Critical? These indicators can help you identify how you are feeling emotionally. You can use the words that describe the thoughts or feelings if you can’t think of an emotion word.
Sharing emotions feels vulnerable. When it is received with compassion and openness, it can build trust. Remember it is okay to share feelings slowly. You do not have to be totally open quickly with people you have not built trust with.
Photo of the day: Brownie licking my face! Recently, I tried to get a selfie with my dog, Brownie. My plan was that I would take the photo and we would both look at the camera. But no! She surprised me with a kiss! I love Brownie. I do not like her to lick my face, though. I know some people do not mind that, but, for me it is too much!
Sometimes people feel like they are “too much.” Usually, they also feel like they are “not enough.” I have felt these things as have most of my clients. Too Much can feel like “I am too clingy;” “I am too emotional;” “I am too opinionated.” Not Enough can feel like “I am not fun enough;” “I am not affectionate enough;” “I am not outgoing enough.” All of these things are in response to outside feedback, something someone said or communicated in some other way. Often, these seem to affirm fears we already had.
Brownie licked my face. I felt surprised. I felt a little disturbed by saliva. However, Brownie’s love and affection are not Too Much. I was surprised and did not immediately know what to do. When I was able to think about past experience (I can recover from a jump-scare) and knowledge (saliva on my skin will not hurt me), I was okay. Sometimes people do not have experience or knowledge or have a difficult time putting into words what has made them uncomfortable. For example, a person may say “You are too clingy.” That means something has made them uncomfortable. It may be that they are reminded of an experience that scared them. Or it may be that they have a different understanding of attachment. Or they may not know how to put into words what has made this feeling. It is an opportunity to have explore.
Too Much and Not Enough may feel like facts. But they are subjective opinions.
If someone in your life, who you care about, seems like Too Much or Not Enough, I encourage you to try to find words for what it is that makes you uncomfortable. Finding words can help make the relationship stronger.
If you have been told you are Too Much or Not Enough by someone you care about, I encourage you to be curious. Ask questions without judgment. That can be hard. Break the situation into small pieces. Curiosity can make the relationship stronger.
I noted this is for relationships you care about and that are good for you. If someone hurts you or does not respect your boundaries, that is harmful. It is always ALWAYS okay to take care of yourself.
What are your thoughts? Also, feel free to add photos of pets.
Photo of the day: “Our hearts can lift up the world” with globe (translated from writing of my four-year-old).
My son wrote this several years ago and I have used it several times since, when our nation has had difficult experiences.
As a mental health therapist, I want to directly state that I stand with the LGBTQ+ community, those who have immigrated to the U.S., people who have been exploited and/or marginalized because of race, ethnicity, economic status, age, ability, and other aspects of identity. I believe an individual has the human right to seek their vision of health and identity. I believe all have the right to safety.
I believe my responsibility is to provide support and space for clients to explore their lives in order to become who they want to be.
Photo of the day: My logo–embroidered! My practice is named Growing Connections Counseling because I have found that most of my clients are suffering from damaged connections of some sort. It could be a loss of connection with their authentic self, with family, partner, community. A main goal of my work, is to provide the space and support so clients can grow or regrow connections.
When it was time to create a logo, I knew I wanted it to involve growth from the messiness of life. I collaborated with Alli Bernskoetter of Designing from Scratch Website Studio to create a plant growing from tangled roots and sprouting leaves and berries.
I have recently been experimenting with creating my own designs for embroidery. I am happy with this one! Working on this creation helped me to think in new ways about my practice. Pulling threads from tangled skeins to make an ordered piece.
During this time of year, sometimes we struggled with the connections in our lives. It can be hard to see how something nice can come from a knotted jumble. In nature, “it first sends down a root towards gravity, then a shoot upwards towards light, essentially “finding” the sun.” Maybe this is a good path to follow for humans, too. First, ground the roots before reaching out. Then, when reaching out, search for the warmth rather than the coldness of old conflict. That does not mean never addressing old conflict–it means first making a sort of connection.
Of course, not all plants grow in this way. There are air plants that do not require soil; mango plants that can sprout in water. What sort of plant could be a metaphor for your growth? Emerson said “…the whole of nature is a metaphor of the human mind.” Guidance can be found there.
Recently, I decided to add “art” to my to-do list. Every. Day. I have never considered myself to be an artist, though I do consider myself to be creative. I think we all are creative in different ways–we think differently about how to solve a problem, or we have an unusual sense of humor–we see things in our own, unique way.
I added “art” to my list because I think it is valuable to allow myself to do something from a perspective I do not usually use. So, for example, I took this photo. I walked through my house trying to view things as if they were new to me. I looked at shapes, shadows, colors. I really liked the shadow this sculpture made. I took the photo and played with filters to bring out different colors, until it “felt” finished.
This was an intuitive exercise. I was paying attention to my body–my gut feeling. For me, I knew I was finished when I felt a “relief” take over, an easing of the muscles in my stomach.
I made this a daily task because it is very important to develop out intuition, to tap into subtle feelings we have. Why? Because our brains solve many emotional problems with the intuitive parts rather than the logical parts. When we are anxious, for example, the intuitive part has picked up on a “danger.” We may logically recognize the danger is not a real threat, but that does not convince the bodily feelings. Slow breathing, grounding exercises–reconnecting with our physical body in the here and now–helps to calm those feelings.
Our intuition is closely connected to the physical feelings we experience. It gives us more information about our world by picking up on what our logical minds cannot perceive.
Tuning into my intuitive, creative self helps me feel better and function better in my work. How has creativity and intuition been helpful for you?
This is the interior view of my front door. I took this photo because all I could see from where I was sitting, was trees. I love that. However, it is not an accurate representation of what is actually outside my front door. It is an illusion. Rather, outside is a concrete retaining wall that has trees and bushes and vines growing all over it. I think it is lovely. But it is not as it appears from my position inside the house.
Much can be said about doorways and perspective. Doors as portals. Closed doors and safety or inhibition. Open doors as opportunity or vulnerability.
Today, though, this photo has me thinking about one’s surety of one’s own perspective as truth. If I were to remain sitting on the couch where I took the photo, I would be sure that I lived in a forest. If I went to the window, I might believe that while I am on a street with other homes, surely I am across from a forest, or at least a woodsy yard.
But if I open the door, if I cross the threshold, I could open my perspective. I could hear traffic–surely this is not a forest! But what? If I go through the door, cross the street, touch the wall, I would learn where I am. I would have entered an adventurous world and be ready for growth and learning!
But if I stay on the couch, resting in my singular untested perspective, it will be harder to learn. I may feel betrayed when the leaves fall and I find that I live near a wall and not a forest. Or, someone may tell me of the wall and I would not believe them.
There is so much to learn! So much adventurous growth that is possible! It requires movement. Move toward the door–one step at a time. Cross the threshold! The world awaits!
What threshold is waiting for you to approach and cross?
Recently, I moved to North Carolina and found that there is a fig tree growing in the front yard! One day, I walked past, and was excited to see these mushrooms growing beside the “fairy door” at the base of the tree.
Fig trees, mushrooms, fairies–all have lore. I am often a “logical” minded person, but I felt a surge of Magic when I saw this!
That is important.
Einstein said “Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” Allowing emotion and imagination deepens life and provides important information that logic alone cannot give.
Imagination and emotion create connections to a person’s inner self. Logic alone stays on the surface. To make decisions that are truly good for us, we need to reflect on emotional aspects and connect them to logic. We can pay attention to our deepest longings and connect that information with the logical part of ourselves. When we use our creative imaginations to aid that connection, we can make better-informed decisions.
That “fairy door day” was a reminder to me to be present and creative, to allow hopefulness while in the midst of a stressful move to a new place. What imaginative reminders have you noticed lately?
