My friend recently told me that she had not been aware of how she had pillars of shame upholding her life. That hit me hard–to have shame as the foundation of life.

So, I started thinking about how shame plays a role in my life. Do I use shame in making decisions? Yes. Shame in shaping my perspective? Yes. Shame regarding my expectations? Yes.

What does this look like? It looks like the thinking that I cannot expect things to go well–I don’t deserve it. It looks like settling for less than what I want or hope for because I am not worth my dreams or desires. It looks like not doing self-care because I have not accomplished enough in my life or in the day to spend time caring for myself.

Of course, we all make mistakes. Shame, though, is deeper. Shame is thinking we are the mistake. If my perspective is that I am a mistake, then I have the extra burden of thinking that I am a drag on the world and those whom I love. It slows me down and exhausts me.

Now, I am experimenting with new thoughts. I am experimenting with saying to myself that I am worth having a clean home that is inviting to others and cozy for me. That is a shift in thinking from “I have to clean. Why can’t I keep my space clean? What is wrong with me?” With that thinking, the cleaning is never enough because what is really going on is self-blame–shame. “I will never measure up to what I should be.” I feel more energized when I think instead, “I really am worth living in a space that feels good.”

Feeling worthy of care is not the same as egotism, narcissism, or conceitedness. It does not mean “I deserve care and you do not.” It is simply an energizing feeling that allows us to do what we need to do in the world. It is a freeing thought. Shame is not helpful. Self-accountability is. Self-accountability means acknowledging mistakes. Shame is making mistakes your identity. That is an unnecessary weight.

It is okay to free yourself. So, today, experiment with new ideas. Knock down a pillar of shame.