Tag: unstuck

My Desk

March 10th, 2023
Photo of the Week: My desk. Decor shows others something about your identity. It reinforces to yourself who you are. What you surround yourself with impacts you and others.

I have a map and a quote “The world awaits.” This is to remind myself and my clients that the world is a big place, full of possibilities and perspectives. It is intended to be a reminder that we are not “stuck.” When we are ready, we can make a move to open our worlds.

The concrete and wood ampersand (&) is a reminder that we can simultaneously hold situations and emotions that seem to conflict. We can love and be scared. We can feel anger and hope. We can work in a difficult situation and be looking for something new. Again, a reminder of options.

The stickers on my computer, “United against hate” and the Human Rights Campaign sticker, are indicators that I am an ally. As a mental health therapist, I believe it is my responsibility to support people who are LGBTQ+. For more information on statistics regarding mental health and people who are LGBTQ+, click here: https://www.psychiatry.org/File%20Library/Psychiatrists/Cultural-Competency/Mental-Health-Disparities/Mental-Health-Facts-for-LGBTQ.pdf

These are things I look at every day when I am at work. These things remind me of my deeper meaning for what I do. I hope that they are reminders for my visitors as well.

What do you surround yourself with? What are your reminders?
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…
Sunrise

February 23rd, 2023
Photo of the Week: Sunrise. Several years ago, I trained myself to be a morning person. For most of my life, I had a sense of dread when I woke. I felt an immediate surge of adrenaline, a feeling of “what am I already behind on?” or “what scary thing do I have to face today?” It was truly horrible.

At one point, I decided that I wanted time before I went to do the first dreaded thing. I thought that maybe if I had peaceful, maybe even happy, time before the thing, I would feel better. I thought maybe if the thing was a part of the day but not the first thing of the day, maybe it would seem less overwhelming. That is how it worked out for me.

The way I trained myself was that I decided to give myself two hours (!) before I had to leave my house. I went to bed eight hours before, which did give me an early bedtime (!). It was uncomfortable at first to lose late nights. I had been a night owl. Then I PACKED my morning with things I liked. I lit candles to make it cozy. I played gentle music I liked. I had coffee. I read or did other things I liked. Eventually, I added exercise. But, if you are trying this transition, at least at first only do things you enjoy. If you enjoy exercise then add it right away!

It really did not take long for the adjustment because I made the morning so nice. At this point, I wake up naturally by 5am. I go to bed around 9pm. I find that I wake at this time even if I do go to sleep later. I also let myself take a thirty minute nap sometime if possible. Sometimes I do afternoon tea or coffee.

The point is, if you are trying to make a change, try using gentleness and things that bring you joy. Maybe you want to add exercise, for example. Try doing something that feels good for exercise. Or if nothing feels good, try surrounding the exercise with things that bring you joy–good food, music, some activity that you do enjoy.

It seems simple. I find that many people I have known though, including myself, have tried to bully their way into a new habit. We have tried talking cruelly to ourselves, saying to “stop being lazy.” Or we have tried to be really strict so that a “failure” is met with self-punishment.

In social work, counseling, education, and other areas, there is a notion of “trauma-informed care.” Trauma-informed care is defined as practices that promote a culture of safety, empowerment, and healing. Life is hard. There are small difficulties, and sometimes large difficulties, in every day. Give yourself trauma-informed care. Be gentle and encouraging with yourself.

Even the attempt to heal an aspect of your life is a step. It is something to be celebrated. What is something you have done that was a struggle but worth it? How did you do it? What is something you are trying to change?
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…
Stigma

February 13th, 2023
Photo of the Week: Zoot. Zoot was a black cat we had for several years. When we got him from the shelter, they said he had been there for months. They said people do not adopt black cats as readily as other cats. They felt that superstition was the reason for the stigma.

“Stigma” means “a mark of shame.” Going to therapy, for many people, carries a stigma. It seems that emotional problems are often considered to be shameful or moral failings. In my experience, people often feel as though they should be able to “get over” past traumas or current painful experiences. There seems to be a perception that talking with a professional means that you are being weak.

Being in therapy is a vulnerable experience. It can be scary to speak of times that have been painful, or when we may have acted in a way we regret. We may carry feelings of shame. We may feel afraid that if we address certain feelings, those feelings will overwhelm and consume us.

A therapist is trained in helping clients manage shame and overwhelming feelings. Therapy should go at the clients’ pace. That means the client controls when difficult emotions are addressed, which should be when the client feels trust in the counselor. Counselors are trained to withhold judgment. We are trained to see each client as an individual with unique circumstances. We view each client through the eyes of empathy. Our job is to help the client look at themselves with curiosity rather than judgment. A therapist creates a space that feels safe enough for the client to gently move into vulnerability so that healing may begin.

If you do not have this experience with a particular therapist, it is okay to end that relationship and search for someone who feels safe. Therapists are aware that this will happen. No therapist is a good match for every individual.

If you are considering counseling, test the waters. Contact a therapist and interview them. See if you feel comfortable with them. You do not have to wait until you feel “bad enough,” are overwhelmed, or are losing relationships. Therapy may help you avoid reaching a devastating situation. It can help you manage life better. Coping skills and talking through situations can help you to live the life you want to live. Therapy can help you see patterns and help you learn new ways of living.

Stigma can stop us from enjoying experiences in life that may be enriching. I encourage you to reach out for the life you want. You do not have to suffer alone. If you have questions about how therapy works, feel free to contact me.
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…
Finding Meaning

February 10th, 2023
Photo of the Week: Tattered game of Life Stories. Life Stories is “a fun game of telling stories with family and friends.” It has four types of questions: Etchings (questions about interests), Valuables (questions about things you value), Memories, and Alternatives. No one wins or loses–you just go around the board asking and answering questions about each other. I have found that some love this game; others hate it.

Recently, I finished reading the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. He was a therapist who survived the Holocaust. The book tells his story through the therapist’s lens. One idea I took away from the book was that the goal of life is not simply to be happy, but to have meaning. It seems that a sense of meaning is what helped him survive the concentration camps.

Lately, I have encountered several people who have gone through painful, major life changes. They are in a transitional space where they have lost what they once thought was their meaning, and have not yet found a new meaning. This can be a devastating space to be in.

How does a person begin to find meaning? I think there are many, many ways to do this. However, I think of Life Stories. Those four types of questions can be a guide–what are your interests (hobbies, inclinations); what do you value (what draws your concern when you listen to the news, what makes you brighten up); what are your memories (what do you remember caring about when you were younger, what injustices do you remember experiencing); alternatives (how do others see these things in you if you cannot get in touch with these things yourself). When we look at these questions, we can discover meaning. For example, what is the underlying reason you used to enjoy serving meals at the soup kitchen? Was it a love of serving? Was it a love of being around food and gatherings? Be curious about your life.

In my own life, my meaning has changed over the years. Sometimes meaning can be swept away abruptly. At those times, hold on. Breathe. Meaning can come back. I think that sometimes, our meaning is like winter. It appears that things are dead, but it is an important stage that generates new life. We see this happen in nature. We are part of nature. Happiness isn’t enough, but it can be an indicator of your deeper meaning.

What is meaning for your life? How have you found it?
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…
Green Leaves

January 17th, 2023
Photo of the Week: Green leaves. I took this photo on a frozen December morning. It had been below freezing for several days and I was fascinated by the fact that this plant still had green leaves. Someone told me that it may be because the leaves on the ground kept the roots warm.

Whether that is true or not, it made me think. It is a wonderful metaphor! The dry, dead leaves that have fallen to the ground, protect the roots from freezing and damaging the above-ground leaves of a plant so it can continue to produce and clean the air. Often, “roots” metaphorically means the foundations of our lives–the core of who we are. Dry, dead leaves are often considered to be waste.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “…the whole of nature is a metaphor of the human mind.” So, I would say that a lesson of the green leaves is that, if we value the “waste” experiences–the mistakes, the failures of our lives–as learning experiences, these experiences can be used to protect and nourish the core of who we are. Then, we can continue to function and contribute even in the harsh climates of life.

I think part of the lesson lies in the way a person uses the dead leaves of life. Sometimes, the dead leaves smother plants when the weight of the leaves snuffs out the oxygen the plant needs. What can a person do when the weight is too much? Some people rake leaves to protect grass. To me, this means allowing others to help when you are feeling crushed by life. Other times, plants will, in a way, “hibernate” until the crushing leaves dry up and blow away. This shows that there are times to wait, to care for the self quietly until the circumstances shift.

Maybe, when feeling stuck, maybe a good thing to do is to look to nature. How does nature heal itself? After all, we are nature, too. What do you think? What truth have you found in nature?
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…
Healing

January 12th, 2023
What does healing mean to you?

I used to think that, because healing is such an individual experience, there could be no “definition” of what it meant. When I read what Dr. Dan Siegel said about FACES (flexible, adaptive, cohesive, energized, stable), I changed my mind. To me, flexible, adaptive, cohesive, energized, and stable thinking/feeling, is thinking/feeling that is healthy. It is the ability to move with circumstances, the ability to experience your feelings while maintaining your sense of self.

I think it is a goal that is sometimes momentarily attainable, sometimes partially attainable, and sometimes out of reach.

When I work with a client, how this looks to them in their life is what is important. It seems that the goal a client sets is always some variation of FACES. “To feel joy;” “To not be so overtaken by depression;” “To grieve.” These are all requests to move through life gently, passionately, peacefully.

As a therapist, I see people–and I have experienced in my own life–approach the goal, back away from the goal, approach, back away, etc. I think this happens because healing can be scary for many reasons. Pain can become familiar. Pain can feel more stable, like there is nothing to lose, unlike with happiness. Pain can even allow us to stay in relationship with those who would not know how to relate to us if we changed. Pain can, in a way, be safe.

Healing is an ongoing process. Be compassionate with yourself. Reach out to others when you need to. Celebrate movement toward healing.

What does healing mean to you? Please share.
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…
Re-calibration

December 6th, 2022
Photo of the Week: Afternoon coffee. I am generally a morning person (after much training). I used to be a night person. I have never liked afternoons, when I feel a little tired or drained. My energy level is high in the morning, low in the afternoon, and comes up a bit in the evening until time for sleeping.

Today started out good, but I gradually became more anxious and felt kind of down. I felt like my energy level was spiraling. I could not think of a way to salvage the day.

Until I remembered afternoon coffee.

This is not a push for caffeine. Rather, it is a push for re-calibration. To adjust; to start over. I took a nap and drank an afternoon coffee. I created a new morning. My energy level came back up and my anxiety faded. When I cannot take a nap (which is, admittedly, luxurious), I have still had an afternoon coffee or tea and created some type of break. Maybe just leaving my desk and gazing out a window. This has been enough to simulate a second morning.

How did this work?

I think the reason this can be effective is more mental than physical. I interrupted the path of the day. I had been feeling stuck in the “I shoulds.” So, I created a break which caused a perspective shift.

If you are an evening person, maybe you like the coziness of low lights, for example, you could create a break and simulate a new evening. You could do something that you normally do in the evening, or you could do something to create the evening atmosphere.

Today, I am having two mornings and an evening. I am mentally skipping afternoon. How have you re-calibrated when you have had a day that was not going well?
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…
Low

November 21st, 2022
Photo of the Week: Fallen Leaves. One day, I was sitting outside during an unseasonably warm autumn day. I looked down to my right and noticed the texture and color of these leaves. I snapped a photo and now it is a photo I love.

Last week, I did not write my usual blog post. My energy was low; my mood was low. So, I decided to let it go. It was difficult to let it go, but I think it was a good decision. I have spoken to my sons about learning when it is good to push yourself, and when it is time to let something go. It is about learning to trust yourself and evaluate what is going on inside. I do not think pushing myself would have been a “wrong” decision; just a different decision. It isn’t always a choice between right and wrong. Sometimes, maybe most of the time (?) just a choice of possibilities. I think that what would have been “wrong” would be to berate myself over my choice. Not “wrong” but unnecessary and painful.

While I was feeling low, I experimented with being gentle with myself. The low feeling lasted two days. That is much less time than such low times have lasted in the past. I am not sure why it was only two days. Medication? The fact that I have aged and have a different perspective? The support of a loved one? I am not sure. I think, though, that it helped that I allowed the feeling. I stopped myself when I felt myself pushing against the feeling. I was disappointed that I had the feeling. It was interrupting my cherished weekend time. I tried to accept that this was how I felt at the time and I allowed naps and low energy activities without self-criticism. Looking back, I think that contributed to the mildness of the low feeling.

So, the photo of the leaves. I used this photo today because I was thinking of the times when my low was much lower than those two days. There are times when a person cannot feel joy. It takes energy even to breathe, to sigh. One thing that has helped me is to slow down and also to notice detail. I slow down because that is the energy level I have at those times. I notice details, like those of the leaves. I notice color, texture, shape. I do not even put on the pressure of trying to appreciate these things. I only notice. I may look for things of a particular color. Or things with a curve. Or things with a certain shape. It is partly a distraction. Partly a grounding into the present. It is a way for me to order my brain. That is what it feels like. That order brings a feeling of calm.

What has helped you when you have felt low? How have you made it through low times?
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…
Fear and Anxiety

October 31st, 2022
Photo of the Week: Enter If You Dare. Today is Halloween–a time when many people celebrate spookiness. It is a day filled with laughing at horror and disguising ourselves.

Fear and anxiety are variations on the same theme. They are varying degrees of wondering what the future holds, immediate future as well as distant future. Fear tends to be a more intense concern about danger. Anxiety is a more sustained feeling of worry. It may even be caused by a trigger we aren’t aware of and seems to come from nowhere.

When our bodies sense a danger of some sort, we may go into a fight, flight, freeze, collapse, or appease state. Such a state is not a choice as much as it is our brain’s and body’s way of protecting us. When we are children, our bodies and brains take care of us by going into these states when we are overwhelmed and need protection–not only physical protection, but emotional protection.

Our young systems develop patterns of protection that we may outgrow as we age. For example, we may no longer need to freeze when we hear someone raise their voice, but our system may still react that way. At one point, it may have been better for us to freeze and be still when voices were raised. As an adult, that may no longer be the case.

Our bodies and brains can relearn ways of caring for us. Because of neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to adapt and change, we can learn new ways of reacting to anxiety producing situations. It isn’t that we want to be rid of the protectors, but rather to choose them when they are needed.

There are many types of therapy that can help with fear or trauma issues like PTSD, anxiety, phobias. These therapies, such as EMDR, sensorimotor therapies, Internal Family Systems, or others, require hard work. When you choose a therapist, search until someone is a good fit for you. Know that it will take time to work through rooted reactions. Sometimes you may feel like giving up. Let your therapist know how you are feeling. One of the beauties of therapy is that your therapist is with you. You are not alone.

What has helped you with fear or anxiety? Have you tried therapy? What was it like for you?
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…
Valuing Yourself

October 28th, 2022
I have learned, am learning, to value myself. It is hard work. Today, sitting to write this, I lit candles in the middle of a bright, sunlit room, just because I love them. I poured some tea, and toasted myself. Yes, I toasted with tea. I honored the fact that I have come a long way to get to where I am in this moment. I have worked hard.

I can say, with confidence, that you have worked hard, too. Some of you will have parts that push back against that idea. Some of us have parts that think self-punishment is a kind of encouragement. “If I call myself lazy, I will stay motivated. If I stop being hard on myself, I won’t do anything.” This is extreme thinking (I won’t do ANYTHING). Life is difficult, generally speaking. You have made it to today. You have had to overcome things to do that.

Maybe you do not like how you are today. Maybe you have habits that hurt you, or you have moods that seem to not serve you, or you lash out at others. Those parts of you are trying to protect your most tender parts. They may be doing it in a way that is different from what your true self would choose.

There is help. There is learning that can be done; healing that can happen. YOU ARE VALUABLE. You have much to add and you are worth the work and care. Reach out for help from others. I tell my sons, “A sign of maturity is knowing when and who to reach out to.” We are communal people. We need others. Reach out to friends. Find a therapist. Keep looking until you find people who give you what your true self needs.
Share this:
X
Facebook
Like Loading…