Photo of the Week: Cat in a box in the sun. AKA a living being using coping skills–physical security, natural sunlight, self-care in the form of rest.

I’ve written about anxiety before. Anxiety is no simple thing. For many of us, it seems to be a continual challenge.

At 4 o’clock this morning, my son woke me, very stressed about an issue. At first, I got stressed, too! But, having more life experience, and knowing what could be done about the issue, I was able to calm myself. He, on the other hand, left my room still feeling upset and frustrated.

When he wakes later, I plan to talk with him about handling anxiety. There are a few points I want him to consider. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Most of the time, the fear is worse than what actually happens. It is that “most of the time” part that is frustrating. I wish it was “all the time.” But, remember that we cannot predict the future. Try, really hard, to keep perspective–fight to not let it grow out of proportion.
2. Talk to people and/or journal. Get the fear thoughts out of your head. It can help perspective to see what is actually realistic, and what the actual fear really is. When we keep these thoughts inside, they tend to spiral out of control.
3. Prepare for moments of anxiety. Stressful things will happen. When you are not stressed, practice your coping skills so that they become automatic and work better for you. Breathing. Exercise. Whatever helps you stay calm and is good for you.
4. Most importantly–LET yourself relax. Depending on the type of stress, sometimes we “punish” ourselves by keeping the stress ramped up. Maybe you have missed a deadline and are mad at yourself. Punishing does not help you do better next time. Remembering and preparing for the future does. LET yourself be comforted. Sometimes we fight against the comfort because we are so worried. Remember that you cannot predict what will happen. It really may go better than you expect.
5. After the event has passed, evaluate and remember. Was it better than expected? Remember that. Did it turn out badly? Then what can be done to prepare in the future? Or how can you handle the feelings next time? I think that part of what feeds the anxiety is feeling anxious about feeling anxious.
6. Remember that feelings give information. When you feel anxious, try to get to the root. Is it really the missed deadline that is the problem? Or is it that you let yourself down by missing it? Is it a problem with a core belief that you are “irresponsible,” “never going to make it,” or something else? Once you know the core belief, when the event has passed, you can work on that–through therapy or with loved ones or through introspection.

Anxiety is really a difficult emotion. Somehow, it helps me to know that it is common. Most people I know feel social anxiety, or have other anxieties. We are not alone. You are not alone.

It also helps to know that it can get better. For me, it has taken help in the form of aging, medication, therapy, and–what I think has been most important–learning to let myself feel loved and comforted. I noticed at one point that I would internally fight against peace. If someone said they could help, for example, inside I would be really skeptical–“They aren’t on my side.” I’ve learned that quite often, I am wrong about that. Also, aging has taught me that most things I feel anxious about aren’t truly important.

I want my son to know, and I want all of us to deeply know, we are not alone in this. And that, even though life can be really hard, there are people who help. I hope he, and all of us, can learn to let peace in. I’m really proud of him for reaching out for help in his anxiety. I hope he appreciates that about himself. I hope you, the reader, also give yourself credit for the ways you have survived and care for yourself.