Connections

The Bullfight

November 7th, 2022
Photo of the Week: The Bullfight. I have loved images of bullfighting for many years. I don’t think I would enjoy a bullfight in person. I do not want to see such a majestic animal treated in such a way. But the images have a romantic quality and speak to something mythical.

Red cape flowing, the costume of the matador, the striking figure of the bull. Beautiful. It makes me think of the heroism of confronting problems that seem so much bigger than one individual. When I have done this, I have felt scared or nervous rather than heroic. My guess is that a matador feels the same. But he or she will take a confident pose and dance with the giant creature. It makes a memorable scene.

We have many bulls to fight all at once in our lives–from global bulls to personal bulls. When a matador confronts the bull, they wave the cape to bring it closer, jumping out of the way at the last moment, until ready to make a blow against it. It must be at the right time, to entertain the audience and for safety. We also must choose our timing for meeting the bull.

Tomorrow is an opportunity to vote–to meet a global bull. We prepare. We study. We cast our ballot. But we continue to fight for our values in our everyday lives, in the way we speak to our neighbors, raise our children, and spend our money. Big issues are not taken down all at once, but rather, little by little, at the correct pace. As a therapist, I help people meet their personal bulls–trauma, grief, heartache–by providing space, guidance, and support, so their bull can be taken in their time and in their way.

How have you been a matador? How have you confronted big issues? What has helped you?
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Anniversary

November 4th, 2022
Yesterday was the seventh anniversary of my mother’s death. Grieving is a complicated thing. It follows no smooth path. It does not expire.

How does a person grieve? I felt somewhat numb for a long time. I still do some. For me, grieving my mother has been a little at a time.

What does it mean to move through grief? How does good mourning happen? What do you do? These are the questions I have wrestled with. Maybe you have, too. Maybe you have grieved for a loved one, an opportunity, a life that never came to be.

I think there are many ways. Here are some.
- Write. Write a list of ways the loss has impacted you. Write the same thing over and over if you need to. Be poetic if you want, use symbolic language.
- Move. Finish the actions your body wants to make. Kick or punch something soft, push against a wall (push hard), squeeze or hug a pillow or item of their clothing, stomp on the ground or jump. Let tears flow if they come. Let a scream out if it comes. Or move gently, like a dancer, touch soft things and be aware of your aliveness.
- Meditate. Set a timer and let yourself feel the emotions. When the timer ends, come out of your meditation gently. Hug yourself or take a warm shower. Be gentle.
- Talk. Find a friend or therapist who will listen. Speak the good and painful things. Let a friend or therapist be there.
- Music. Listen to music that reminds you or make new music. Sing or dance or simply sit.
- Create. Use clay, paint, crayons, fabric to create from your feelings. Create love or loss, pain or joy.
- Nature. Find something natural and contemplate the wonder of existence and cycles.
I think it is important when you have these times to have a beginning and end to the moments. It is kind of like keeping your grief in a box. It is always with you, but only sometimes visit it. Find grounding methods to help you come out of the moments (like paying attention to your breath and body).

It may feel as though the feelings will swallow you and you will never get out. That can be scary. Feelings move on when you allow moments of feeling. Let them in. Denying them makes them overtake you when you may not want them.

You can move through grief. A loss changes you. That is true. Pain has its impact. Move with the seasons of grief.

How have you handled loss in your life? Share your thoughts.
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Fear and Anxiety

October 31st, 2022
Photo of the Week: Enter If You Dare. Today is Halloween–a time when many people celebrate spookiness. It is a day filled with laughing at horror and disguising ourselves.

Fear and anxiety are variations on the same theme. They are varying degrees of wondering what the future holds, immediate future as well as distant future. Fear tends to be a more intense concern about danger. Anxiety is a more sustained feeling of worry. It may even be caused by a trigger we aren’t aware of and seems to come from nowhere.

When our bodies sense a danger of some sort, we may go into a fight, flight, freeze, collapse, or appease state. Such a state is not a choice as much as it is our brain’s and body’s way of protecting us. When we are children, our bodies and brains take care of us by going into these states when we are overwhelmed and need protection–not only physical protection, but emotional protection.

Our young systems develop patterns of protection that we may outgrow as we age. For example, we may no longer need to freeze when we hear someone raise their voice, but our system may still react that way. At one point, it may have been better for us to freeze and be still when voices were raised. As an adult, that may no longer be the case.

Our bodies and brains can relearn ways of caring for us. Because of neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to adapt and change, we can learn new ways of reacting to anxiety producing situations. It isn’t that we want to be rid of the protectors, but rather to choose them when they are needed.

There are many types of therapy that can help with fear or trauma issues like PTSD, anxiety, phobias. These therapies, such as EMDR, sensorimotor therapies, Internal Family Systems, or others, require hard work. When you choose a therapist, search until someone is a good fit for you. Know that it will take time to work through rooted reactions. Sometimes you may feel like giving up. Let your therapist know how you are feeling. One of the beauties of therapy is that your therapist is with you. You are not alone.

What has helped you with fear or anxiety? Have you tried therapy? What was it like for you?
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Valuing Yourself

October 28th, 2022
I have learned, am learning, to value myself. It is hard work. Today, sitting to write this, I lit candles in the middle of a bright, sunlit room, just because I love them. I poured some tea, and toasted myself. Yes, I toasted with tea. I honored the fact that I have come a long way to get to where I am in this moment. I have worked hard.

I can say, with confidence, that you have worked hard, too. Some of you will have parts that push back against that idea. Some of us have parts that think self-punishment is a kind of encouragement. “If I call myself lazy, I will stay motivated. If I stop being hard on myself, I won’t do anything.” This is extreme thinking (I won’t do ANYTHING). Life is difficult, generally speaking. You have made it to today. You have had to overcome things to do that.

Maybe you do not like how you are today. Maybe you have habits that hurt you, or you have moods that seem to not serve you, or you lash out at others. Those parts of you are trying to protect your most tender parts. They may be doing it in a way that is different from what your true self would choose.

There is help. There is learning that can be done; healing that can happen. YOU ARE VALUABLE. You have much to add and you are worth the work and care. Reach out for help from others. I tell my sons, “A sign of maturity is knowing when and who to reach out to.” We are communal people. We need others. Reach out to friends. Find a therapist. Keep looking until you find people who give you what your true self needs.
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Dent

October 25th, 2022
Photo of the Week: Dent. Yesterday, I was in a car accident. I am okay; my car is not. This experience has taken a lot of space in my mind since it happened. So, I decided to look at it symbolically.

A dent is often considered to be a small impact. For example, “Picking up paper on a walk only makes a dent in combating pollution,” or “My vote doesn’t matter–it only makes a dent in global situations.”

Don’t underestimate the power of a dent! The dent in the photo has big repercussions for me, the other driver, and possibly, the witnesses.

Often, examples like those above, are used to discourage focus on a particular action. It is important to consider actions that may only make a dent. At times, it is better to focus resources on bigger impacts. However, the work of a dent could have major consequences for the doer. It may be that picking up trash or saying hello is a small action, but it can add confidence in the values of the doer. Picking up trash can spur the doer to see with fresh eyes or invigorate a passion for acting on what they value. Doing good, performing according to your values, builds self-confidence and moral stamina. It can help you become who you truly want to be.

Likewise, chipping away, making dents, in your moral armor, can cause complacency. It can cause numbness toward your own values. For example, “I’ll just throw this one bag out the car window. What difference does it make?” When you become comfortable with discarding one bag, two bags seems easier.

Tell me about the dents in your life. What has impacted you in bigger ways than you expected?
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What is a Wall?

October 19th, 2022
“Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Even paradise could become a prison if one had enough time to take notice of the walls.”
― Morgan Rhodes, Falling Kingdoms

“Sometimes our walls exist just to see who has the strength to knock
them down.”
― Darnell Lamont Walker, Creep

“Boundaries are not walls; they’re portals and you decide who comes and goes into your sacred territory.”
― Toni Sorenson

Much has been said about walls. Walls are structures to provide designated space. They are to keep out elements, and conserve the way things are. They can be a trap. The wall is different from a door. It does not provide passage, it only blocks.

I have noticed that sometimes I create walls against opportunities. On a gut level, I know I am scared of the possibilities. It is different from when I simply cannot do something or do not want something. For example, at one point I was invited to the party of an acquaintance. I immediately said a mental “no.” I felt a tension in my stomach and a drop in my energy. I felt tired. This was a different feeling from when I sincerely did not want something. This was a feeling of fear. Lots of “what if” scenarios came to mind–what if there is no one to talk to, what if I don’t like the people, what if I am boring to them? This was more “walling-out-an-opportunity” from fear, than “deciding-I-don’t-want-this” from a confident place.

How can you tell the difference between setting a boundary and building a wall? I think the difference is that a wall is fear based and a boundary, while possibly being scary to set, is more energizing. I think, when an opportunity arises, if you feel immediate resistance, it is good to sit with it. Try to tune into what your body feels. Do you feel drained when you think of saying yes or no? Do you feel scared of saying yes or no? Do you feel guilty saying yes or no? Sometimes we say yes when we would prefer a boundary of saying no. That is still a wall of fear. It is fear of not being liked or not being dutiful, for example.

Walls are fear-based. Boundaries are based on a purposeful decision of what is good for you.

What do you think? How do you know when you are building a wall and when you are setting a boundary?
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No Filter

October 17th, 2022
Photo of the Week: No filter rose. Seriously. This is without a filter. However, I am not overly skilled with a camera. This was taken with my Android on a day that was so bright, I could barely see the image on the screen when I snapped it. I like it, but it does not look like the actual rose.

Or does it?

This is the rose as my camera “saw” it, under particular conditions. It would look different to me at night. It would look different to a dog, or a bee, or under a microscope. Which is the “real” rose? All of them.

I have said, and I have heard others say, “if people knew the real me, they would not like me.” A person’s view of their interior world is a view. What others see is a different view. My friends and my clients, my family and acquaintances, all see me differently, depending on circumstances (such as the amount of light hitting the rose) and depending on the viewers’ “filter.” We interact with each other, bringing to the surface different behaviors and perceptions. All are real views. (Except, of course, when there is deception. Although, that shows something else that is true.)

We can affect the lens we use to view circumstances, as well as people. I was speaking to a friend about his current struggle with finances. He said in one way it is scary and depressing. In another way it is opening his eyes to another way of living, seeing what is most important. Both of these views are true. It is depressing and eye opening at the same time. Others may have different views of his situation. His parents could be disappointed. Someone else may see him and think he is lucky to have, for example, education as a resource. All of these views are valid. Which view is most useful for my friend to have when making decisions? For him, being scared causes him to lose energy. So, right now, he is trying to focus on new opportunities for living.

It can be difficult to change a lens. Sometimes, looking to others for their view is helpful. Sometimes, writing different possible filters is helpful. The lens you are using may serve you for now. It does not have to be the permanent lens. Play with your filters. See what can make the best image for now.
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Seasonal Depression

October 12th, 2022
Today, where I am in Missouri, is a rainy day. It is really the first day that feels autumnish to me. I noticed in September, though, that the sunlight had shifted and brought on a different feeling.

Some people feel depressed in fall and winter, when the days are shorter and the darkness is longer. I encourage anyone who is feeling depressed to please seek out therapy, especially if your depression tends toward feeling like hurting yourself. The following ideas are activities that can help boost a mildly low feeling.

–Learn about what is happening in the natural world in your area at this time. What are animals and plants doing? Learning about nature can lift the feeling of “everything is dying.” What is actually happening can shift your perspective.

–Take walks and take photos! Go outside and find small details to photograph. Look at the tops of trees, which you may not normally do. Find natural patterns in your surroundings.

–Pay attention to what your body feels like. Feed yourself nourishing foods before you are hungry. Get more rest. When you are exercising or moving, be mindful of what feels good and practice gratitude for your senses.

–Read a poem each day about autumn or winter. You may even be inspired to write your own! https://www.poetryfoundation.org/collections/101590/fall-poems

–Close your eyes and listen to the natural sounds in a park, forest, or yard. What birds are in your area? Geese? Loons? Do you hear ice cracking? Do you hear crunching leaves or squirrels digging for nuts?

–Decorate your home in fall colors. If you don’t like fall colors, bring in spring colors! You can make art or bring in silk flowers. Whatever you want! Also, pay attention to your indoor lighting. For some, turning down light and lighting candles makes it cozy. For others, brighter feels better.

–Just as nature turns inward, so can you. Maybe now is the time to begin journaling or writing stories. A gratitude journal, a nature journal, a photo of one particular tree each week from now until spring. Track your feelings, create a cookbook, feed what feels good to you.

–Turn to others. Sometimes when feeling down we only want to be alone. Honor that. Other times, we are aware that we are avoiding in a way that is not good for us. Make a standing date with someone you are comfortable with. Aim for weekly dates. Or attend some event weekly. Libraries and universities often have free and frequent events. This is the schedule for the library where I am: https://thelibrary.org/programs/other/adults.cfm

What gets you through autumn and winter? I would love to hear your ideas!
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Indigenous Peoples’ Day and World Mental Health Day

October 10th, 2022
Photo of the week: Glass globe. Today is Indigenous Peoples’ Day and World Mental Health Day. Indigenous Peoples’ Day is a time to honor the histories and cultures of indigenous people and World Mental Health Day is a time to take note of the status of mental health around the world.

Trauma occurs when people experience a threat and are “unable to complete a satisfactory fight, flight or freeze response,” according to Dr. Peter Levine. Generational trauma occurs when this continually happens and is passed through generations. It can occur when systems are in place to oppress cultures and can cause generational poverty, illness, and death.

I am not a person with an indigenous heritage. The systems I live in have privileged my race. Sometimes I have heard white people speak of not knowing what to do or feeling guilt or shame. I think that it is important for all of us, but particularly for those with more cultural power, to move toward healing generational trauma and the pain that systems incur.

How?

I will speak for myself. I believe it is my responsibility to learn about people by listening to them. It is my responsibility to accept the experiences of others as their real experience–validation. It is my responsibility to vote and do what I can where I am to enact or support policies that move society toward healing these wounds. It is my responsibility to encourage others to act as well. I believe that if I do not do these things, I will contribute to more suffering–of others and of myself.

So, on this day, consider what sort of world you want to live in and consider what you can do to move in that direction. What are your ideas?

(P.S. One idea is to visit virtual museums. This is a link to the Smithsonian National Museum of the American Indian online exhibit page! https://americanindian.si.edu/online-resources/exhibition-websites)
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Pillars of Shame

October 9th, 2022
My friend recently told me that she had not been aware of how she had pillars of shame upholding her life. That hit me hard–to have shame as the foundation of life.

So, I started thinking about how shame plays a role in my life. Do I use shame in making decisions? Yes. Shame in shaping my perspective? Yes. Shame regarding my expectations? Yes.

What does this look like? It looks like the thinking that I cannot expect things to go well–I don’t deserve it. It looks like settling for less than what I want or hope for because I am not worth my dreams or desires. It looks like not doing self-care because I have not accomplished enough in my life or in the day to spend time caring for myself.

Of course, we all make mistakes. Shame, though, is deeper. Shame is thinking we are the mistake. If my perspective is that I am a mistake, then I have the extra burden of thinking that I am a drag on the world and those whom I love. It slows me down and exhausts me.

Now, I am experimenting with new thoughts. I am experimenting with saying to myself that I am worth having a clean home that is inviting to others and cozy for me. That is a shift in thinking from “I have to clean. Why can’t I keep my space clean? What is wrong with me?” With that thinking, the cleaning is never enough because what is really going on is self-blame–shame. “I will never measure up to what I should be.” I feel more energized when I think instead, “I really am worth living in a space that feels good.”

Feeling worthy of care is not the same as egotism, narcissism, or conceitedness. It does not mean “I deserve care and you do not.” It is simply an energizing feeling that allows us to do what we need to do in the world. It is a freeing thought. Shame is not helpful. Self-accountability is. Self-accountability means acknowledging mistakes. Shame is making mistakes your identity. That is an unnecessary weight.

It is okay to free yourself. So, today, experiment with new ideas. Knock down a pillar of shame.
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