Photo of the Week: Candle. I burn candles even during the day when the sun is shining in my windows. It helps create a cozy atmosphere that I love. I do not wait for “special” times to come. I finally learned through hard lessons, that special times can be much more often if I am mindful.

Years ago, when my boys were young, I would hear their children’s music, and I would get teary. A sadness, or melancholy, would well up inside. It was not about the passing of their childhood. It was not about time moving quickly. It was something else that took me a long time to figure out.

But I did figure it out. It was the longing for a sense of safety and security that that music seemed to evoke. I was a children’s librarian at the time, and the storytimes I would create were warm and full of joy. When I was with those children and my own children, I tried to create a safe, unconditionally loving place for them.

The longing was because I did not feel that in my own adult life. I felt vulnerable as an adult, aware of my weaknesses, fearful of criticism, continually exposed and found lacking. Adulthood felt like continuous responsibility for so much that I felt longing for a place that felt loving and warm to me. I did have friends and family who loved me, but somehow, I could not deeply sense the safety and security I realized I wanted.

Once I figured out what the longing and anxiety was from, I felt empowered to do something about it. It took time and hard internal work. For me, it required a therapist. Gradually, I came to realize that I had a core self that was safe. I realized that I could create my own feeling of warmth and coziness for myself. I surrounded myself with objects like candles, music that felt good, and people who built up my energy rather than draining it. I learned to be present to those things.

There are still times when I feel as though I am in a cold place or with those who would criticize or threaten my sense of self. For those times, I simultaneously remember my core of safety and those who love me. I choose my defenses, my boundaries. It is not perfect. I sometimes still feel very anxious and an unpleasant vulnerability. (Not the vulnerability that leads to connection.) The difference is that now I know I will leave that space and have my own warmth to come back to.

Do you feel safety in your life? What makes you feel secure? How did you find it?