Many of us feel alone. We feel as though we are not known and not deeply loved by those around us. As a counselor, I see many people feeling intense anxiety and depression, feeling trapped and unable to make a committed move in any direction. I see people who have experienced trauma at the hands of those who should have loved and who then do not have the support to pick up the pieces. This experience often leads to painful relationships, violence, suicide, and other difficult reactions. I hear this pain in the lyrics of music and I see it played out in stories in books, television, and movies. People are suffering.

How do you form a deep connection? How do you develop trust yet maintain boundaries? How do you stop feeling so alone?

I can only speak from my experience. And I would like to hear your experience.

For me, I have to find the ability to open to trust. This starts by connecting with my belief that we are all in this together, struggling to figure out life. Once I connect with this belief, I have to connect with the belief that I can handle being hurt. This takes a leap. I may not be hurt if I risk allowing someone in, but if I am hurt, I have handled deep pain before. I consider that it is worth it. Because I do, indeed, believe that a true deep connection is worth it.

If I am in a space where I feel that “we” (people in general) are on the same side and that I can handle the potential hurt, then I am ready to be somewhat vulnerable with someone. Not everyone. I pay attention to cues: are they humble? Do we seem to have similar values? Then I proceed with vulnerability.

How do you “be vulnerable?”

I start with being deeply present. Letting myself get caught up in what they are saying, rather than preparing my next statement. This may mean there could be a silence, and that is ok. (It takes practice to become more comfortable with silence.) Then I share my thought or feeling from a true space within. I may disagree with them. I may agree. I may offer an experience of my own. I may ask curious questions. I listen with a stance of curiosity rather than from a stance of judgement or defense, waiting to catch them being wrong or trying to hurt me. I allow–allow–my heart to feel a connection.

I have often been surprised that a conversation may go to a deep place quickly. But a connection from vulnerability is not the same as “defended exposure.” Defended exposure means “I will tell you something from my life that seems vulnerable, but is really from a cognitive, rather than feeling, place.” To connect, allow feelings to come forward. Speak from feeling rather than from logic and intellect only.

All of this is hard and takes time. Also, this is only my experience of one way to form connection. What do you think? How have you made your strongest connections? Also, what stops you from connections sometimes?