“Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Even paradise could become a prison if one had enough time to take notice of the walls.”
― Morgan Rhodes, Falling Kingdoms

“Sometimes our walls exist just to see who has the strength to knock
them down.”
― Darnell Lamont Walker, Creep

“Boundaries are not walls; they’re portals and you decide who comes and goes into your sacred territory.”
― Toni Sorenson

Much has been said about walls. Walls are structures to provide designated space. They are to keep out elements, and conserve the way things are. They can be a trap. The wall is different from a door. It does not provide passage, it only blocks.

I have noticed that sometimes I create walls against opportunities. On a gut level, I know I am scared of the possibilities. It is different from when I simply cannot do something or do not want something. For example, at one point I was invited to the party of an acquaintance. I immediately said a mental “no.” I felt a tension in my stomach and a drop in my energy. I felt tired. This was a different feeling from when I sincerely did not want something. This was a feeling of fear. Lots of “what if” scenarios came to mind–what if there is no one to talk to, what if I don’t like the people, what if I am boring to them? This was more “walling-out-an-opportunity” from fear, than “deciding-I-don’t-want-this” from a confident place.

How can you tell the difference between setting a boundary and building a wall? I think the difference is that a wall is fear based and a boundary, while possibly being scary to set, is more energizing. I think, when an opportunity arises, if you feel immediate resistance, it is good to sit with it. Try to tune into what your body feels. Do you feel drained when you think of saying yes or no? Do you feel scared of saying yes or no? Do you feel guilty saying yes or no? Sometimes we say yes when we would prefer a boundary of saying no. That is still a wall of fear. It is fear of not being liked or not being dutiful, for example.

Walls are fear-based. Boundaries are based on a purposeful decision of what is good for you.

What do you think? How do you know when you are building a wall and when you are setting a boundary?